I began first thinking of my time with television this early evening as my canoeing trip with friends was coming to an end. I was envisioning parking myself in front of the television with my food, enjoying the tiredness with which I felt, and being able to perfectly relax on the couch as I ate a cheeseburger and some frechfries with mayonaisse - YUM!!, and enjoying just being relaxed and being entertained. No school to go to tomorrow. No worries. No cares. Just me and my television and me feeding my fabulous little face.
Before I could even indulge my imagination entirely, I realized there will be no t.v. time for me. There will be no sitting on the couch enjoying a t.v. show while I indulge my appetites. There will be no more indulgences for me! There is no more couch time for me! I hate this - restriction is what I am on. I do not like it. I worked today for five hours being productive. I was tired from caneoing. I wanted to hang out with myself and just relax. I am almost in tears as I write this. Just watch some t.v. if you're going to cry about it! Diggity - Dang! I would sell my t.v. if it was mine was a thought. Not really. I was however, reminded of why addicts need get rid of all thier temptations.
I love my couch time, I realized, desparately while I made my boring turkey sandwich, and delicious walnut and goats cheese salad, a meal I settled on because I was too tired to wait the 1/2 hour it was going to take for me to get a good burger somewhere. I am on vacation, and I wanted to watch television with my turkey sandwich and salad, darn-it!! I felt so sad, really. I was crazy. Maybe I was sad because I felt like just turn it on, but felt trapped, being punished for publically committing. It was stupid.
I really felt sad while I made dinner, like I was ticked I opened myself up to commiting to something publically, and I felt ridiculously deprived. I could hear the t.v. and feel my excitement of having it on, and being excited by it, but that was only also in my imagination. I literally thought I may be negatively impacting my brain by depriving it of it's dopamine. That's when I realized I will not be doing this anymore I do not think. This is too much.
I had no idea I enjoyed t.v. that much. I will say though, there are some Sunday afternoons where I felt like I did today, excited to have a meal and relax and watch television, and enjoy some simplicity, quiet, feeling accomplished and like I'd earned it in some way. I guess that is rewarding somehow, and when you can truly relax and enjoy yourself because of your accomplishments, that's the feeling. The t.v was a confirmatory celebration of my good day. The meal I had with my Audobon magazine, though I am a fan, did not give me the same thrill or satisfaction. There were no chemicals released for that! Anyway. I am restricted! I don't like it. I am likely going to fall off the wagon soon, and just wanted to post it.
Rationalization and Machinations:
I know it's only two days, but I'm already making so much progress with my life's goals in just these two short days that I can progress continually but with a modified t.v. watching program. I think maybe two hours or so a day. That seems like a lot, but that's one movie. I like movies. My concern is that if/when I do cave is that I will not have any discipline with this and will likely binge watch t.v. more or let it distract me from my goals. That is one of the reasons I am likely so all-or-nothing. I find I am much more successful if I can completely eliminate something - again, I don't have to deal with the mental machinations of doing it or not. Just eliminate it all together, and get on with your life. I feel like I lose out though with such extremes. I seem to have a hard time with grey. This may be my opportunity to develop discipline is a less fascist way. That would be lovely. One solution.
Pray what you know is true: I am a believer and have been given a spirit of power, of love and a sound mind, according to 2 Timothy 1:7. Solution Two: Just practice it, girl. You've got the power!! Speak the word over yourself. Use Solution 2 to develop more discipline. Yes! You can do it, my dove.
I think I have just talked myself into t.v. For now, I am going to bed. 2 days has been sufficient to give me a good start on making more progress towards some personal goals. Also, I think the most important thing for me is the austere nature that I have has come to light to show me the severity of my actions when I do something "wrong." I need to get over that maybe more than I need to get off t.v. for 100 days. So I binged watched t.v. for two days. Get over it. Get on with your life. You enjoy t.v. sometimes. Enjoy it. I don't have kids for a reason! As with everything else, moderation, my dear. Apply discipline where needed.
Contact Holly at